I have lost my real first love because his heart is too big. I've been dating the same wonderful man for the past eight months.  Here is sunny southern california but could he stay here with me? no. He moved one month ago to Baton Rouge Louisiana to go to Seminary.  Three weeks into his stay Katrina reaked her havoc on his home, school and life.  I love him but now he can't go to school and still he stays there.  Claiming that he needs to help the south rebuild... rebuild! Come back home and rebuild our relationship!!! I know I'm selfish but I would marry this guy if only he came back here and asked - I guess I need to let him figure out just who he is and what he wants in life before I comitt him to something he might not be ready for.

Found this poem a while back and have fallen in absolute love with it...

Sunday Night I babysat for some people in Oceanside (looking to make a little extra cash). They  live at the end of a cul-de-sac and everywhere you park is a curve. Now I parked just fine but when I went to leave at 12:30 it was dark and there was a car in front of me. I adjusted my side mirror so i could see the curb, took the parking brake off and went to reverse... the car didn't move, just revved it's engine.  Unsure of what was wrong I did this about 5 times, finally I look up and see that the Dad has taken the dog out on a walk and is watching me try and get out of my parking spot. He comes over to my window and tells me he thinks my wheels are turned  to much and are hitting the curb. So he helps me straighten them out and then tells me to reverse again.  Still no movement of the car just the engine making noise. So he predicts that there is  something under my tire, this dad gets down on the ground on the passengers side of the car to investigate only to find that nothing is under the tires.  He comes back around the the drivers window and tells me to try again and then he's going to try.  So again no car moving at all... the dad is amazed (by now it's been about 10 mintues), he gets into the drivers seat of the car, looks down and tells me that if I take the car out of park and perhaps try reverse that getting out of my spot will be a hole lot easier. Wow, was I ever embarassed... I drive these people's kids everywhere all the time, have been watching them since I was in high school and now he find out that i'm a retard... it was really bad and he laughed really hard at me and then presumably went inside to tell his wife. sad sad sad.

Ever get so excited about something that you jump da gun in preparing for the greatness? Well, I might do it all the time but yesterday was an example of how getting prematurely excited can cause you great pain in the long run.  I am a receptionist in an office which is "home" to about eight people.  Usually the office is a muck with phone calls, visitors, emails, deliveries, faxes, appointments to be made, etc. etc. etc. but this week everybody on the office is out on vacation.  They have left me here to "hold down the fort", but what they didn't stop to think about was the lack of work there is to be done in the life of a receptionist when there is nobody left to be a receptionist for.  My boss called me yesterday at 4:00pm to ask how the day was going - when I told her that it was INCREDIBLY slow she told me that if I wanted I could go home right then and just lock up early.(we usually stay open until 5pm)  In my state of excitement, I immediately jumped up from my desk turned off the lights, and pulled the already locked door closed behind me.  As one would expect, as soon as I heard the daunting hollow sound of the metal lock clicking into place I realized that my keys and purse were still inside the office.  Ah the excitement of leaving an hour early was gone as I sat outside my office for one hour waiting for the office building security guard to make it to my office to unlock the door.  Oh but wait, if only it was that simple because yes you guess it - without proper ID the security wont open the door.  Which usually is great because I've got a great photo ID of myself on my access card... conveniently located in the front zippered pocket of my purse!  Well, that ensued a thirty minute bantering session where I finally was able to convince the guard to open the door before I showed him my ID card.  I guess I deserved it - jumping da gun was stupid and for that I actually spent an extra 45 minutes at work yesterday. Happy going home early to me!

I've got the Father's Day Blues, yes I do.  My Father doesn't want to have anything to do with me, which makes celebrating Father's Day a little bit tricky.  Still I go through the motions - telling friends I'm busy doing "Father's Day" things so I can't do anything with them.  I join the other shoppers to do some last minute Father's Day card/gift shopping all the while complaining about having waited so long to prepare for this day.  Unfortunately, going through the motions doesn't make me feel any better.  Relentlessly I have tried to form some sort of a relationship with the man I use to call Dad, but all tries have failed in some sort of a heart crushing form.  Still, this year I vow will be different so I mail off that package and card only to receive this morning on my door step my package back with the words: "UNKNOWN SENDER - NOT WANTED" written across the top in my father's handwriting. What have I done I cried to the UPS man, as tears streamed down my face - looking up at this man of 40sih I asked him if he was a father.  The reply was a yes - so I handed him the box, wished him a happy father's day and began to close the door.  This man reached out, gave me a hug and said he was sorry for the behavior of some men out there who ignore their children. 

Sitting there alone on the sofa in my apartment I began to wonder how it was that this stranger could be more genuine and sincere than my own father who lived in the same house as me for 16 years.  You see, on the day of my 17th birthday my father came home from work and slapped me around the house.  By the time he was finished, my arms and back were bruised and my nose was bleeding - apparently he'd had a bad day at work.  Before I knew what had happened, he had moved all his stuff out of the house and was divorcing my mother.  Now 5 years have passed without a word between us. He didn't come to my high school graduation that year, doesn't know where I go to college, doesn't know... well anything about me anymore.  He has a great relationship with my two younger sisters but I guess he thinks that his eldest daughter doesn't warrant a relationship. 

I don't really know why I try to fix this relationship, but I guess it has something to do with the fact that even though he was physically abusive, he's still my father and I love him.  Well, this attempt failed in the harshest way yet so I think I'll give up on him for a while and see what a little time does. Thanks for letting me vent, my Father's Day Blues are cheering up a little bit already!